Builders

8 min read

I recently renovated a house.

Builders renovate houses. I’m a yoga teacher. I follow Indians, not cowboys.

I got the keys during lockdown, not a great time to be relying on other people. That was in the wake of Brexit, remember when you voted all the competent builders back to Poland and left me with the locals?

Look, I’m not slagging builders off, I had a few jokes about builders, but I’m still working on it.

I take my hard hat off to anyone working in construction, its hard graft, oooh but builders, they do like a moan. Now I’ve walked in their shoes, I’ve worn steel toe capped boots, but they should try unloading the van in high heels.

Now my house was in a bit of a state, even before builders walked through the door. So I had to take it all back to brick myself. Took me 8 month with a jack hammer to fill 3 skips. 8 months to realise why builders are so horny at work. It’s power tools! Get behind me on this, a mains powered vibrator, I mean, my house wasn’t even supposed to be open plan, but I just couldn’t stop.

I love builders.

Because I was a woman, I was warned. I ought to use trustatrader.com, always get 3 quotes I was advised, instead I was screening my builders by what tools they were packing. If I saw a DeWalt briefcase, I knew inside contained a power drill. I mean who doesn’t love a power drill? All that torque that doesn’t talk back.

Rotary sander? Right this way sir. My fav, a Makita multitool, if you ask your dad what this is he will man splain the multi function bla bla, trust me what I say, its a vibrator mate. 23,000 times a minute that oscillates, and that is not even mains powered. No sir, no tools left in my van overnight, they’re under my bed mate!

So I know what its like to be horny at work, but I always used protection, I’m not stupid, I hired a transformer.

Now I’m not saying all builders are horny perverts because of power tools, some are just horny perverts. The trad builder, the good ol’ hammer and nail builder. You’ll know when you’ve had old fashioned builder’s hammering. ‘Cos he likes to come early, never finishes the job, and leaves you with all the mess to clean up.

But I’m not here to criticise, I’ve learnt a lot from builders, you want to know the secret to a good render?

Youtube. Renders the whole lot of them useless.

I have spent considerable time with builders, learnt how to decode builders jargen. A four be two is the length of timber he needs, but a switch to metric implies he wants to impress upon you how big his stiffy is, he would tell you that in mm.

“A 100mm love”

Darren

Learnt what to look out for when screwing a wall, electric cables run vertically. I learnt how to brick lay, tile, screed a floor, piss on the seat etc.

I had to remove my breasts, that is not an inappropriate joke about cancer, all four of my chimney breasts, filthy, I know what it’s like to be knee deep in brick dust.

I’ve stepped out when something clean walks past, catches your eye and for a moment the whole world goes into slow motion as this goddess transports you. For a moment you forget where you are, sweet relief. If only she’d make eye contact you could thank her but

” oi nice tits love”

Maxine Sharples

Comes out instead.

I understand it now, I learnt to appreciate being a women in the trade. Being a women has its perks. I mean what’s the point of being a women if you cant get stuff for free.

So im down Terry Timbers im in the yard after piece of wood:

Alright Terry, how much for that piece of broken wood.

Max

That piece of wood is not broken Max,

Terry

Oh could it be?

Maxine Sharples

What, you think just ‘cos you’re good looking you can get that for free?

Terry

I look around .

Yeah

Maxine Sharples

Terry looks around.

Go on then but dont take a fence.

Terry

Next time you want to take offence, be like me and take advantage instead.