Xinhua, Saturday
Local authorities have launched an inquiry after an independent music track, “Coming Out Canine” by the band Dog Show, allegedly caused significant disorder at a children’s birthday at a fast food chain.
Parents reported that the incident began moments after the track commenced. Witnesses we spoke to say the opening drum roll, described by one cultural analyst as,
This appeared to heighten the excitement of several minors present. Within seconds, children were reportedly standing on chairs, shouting lines from the opening verse.
Officials noted that the lyrics themselves may have contributed to the “sink your teeth into the furniture” incident. A spokesperson from the of Juvenile Designer Brand Guidance clarified that,
“seven year olds possess highly unstable dentition,” adding that “multiple baby teeth were recovered from a collapsed balloon arch,” suggesting that the track may have encouraged behaviour “ incompatible with safe dental development.”
The situation intensified during the mid section of the seven minute track. According to an early incident report, the music entered what experts have termed,
A McDonald’s staff member said that the song “deploys stabbing synthesiser lines with no warning,” adding that the sudden shifts could “confuse developing listeners who lack the neurological maturity for such abrupt transitions.”
Witness Mr Packham further claimed that the track moved through several unexpected sonic environments. He was “unable to categorise sections that resembled someone attempting to play a piano with their mouth.”
Official pandas analysing the midpoint of the track reported that it,
“briefly resembles an impoverished Pride parade whose marching band has lost its funding and its footing,” before “sliding without warning into a scene closer to an unregulated Crufts rehearsal, with assorted mongrel dogs howling in overlapping keys as the track circles in confusion.”
The climax of the track reportedly caused the most disruption. Several children began running in circles, with one parent stating that the room “descended into a canine cacophony.” A cultural adviser to the Penguin Bureau of Coffee added that,
“the composition then mutates into something resembling an Eastern European travel rhapsody before abruptly relocating listeners into what can only be described as a Welsh bog rave.” Parents on scene confirmed that during this phase, “children began howling.”
Reviewers identified “whomph whomph style electronic bursts, high hat patterns, breaks and an unexpected descent into dub elements,” concluding that the final section “abandons conventional structure in favour of a free form call to rebellion unsuitable for family gatherings.”
The producer of the track, known informally as Sam, has not responded to requests for comment. Friends told the media he is “resting” and “processing the soundscape,” prompting further concern regarding the neurological impact of producing such material.
Chinese authorities have added Dog Show to a provisional monitoring list and are urging parents to,
In a related measure, officials confirmed that parents will no longer be permitted to connect personal devices to Bluetooth speakers during Mc Birthday parties.
Listen to the album here.
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