Bumping into an X

I dont know how I feel?

How can you not know how you feel?

That was not the line I used to break up with him but my feelings now, after seeing him for the first time in 7 months. That moment  you recognise the silhouette in a crowd and your heart literally stops beating. Then he is there face on and he is unavoidable. But instead of recognising you he turns away, relief for a second and your hearts starts to pump again flushing your face, your body sweats, I am totally in control.

The thrill of being undetected passes quickly, im disappointed, I know I have just arrived in this club and its going to be a long night if I spend it lurking in the girls toilet. So I tap him on the shoulder, tell myself he saw me and is playing the cocky bastard and give him my, don’t play hard to get grin. Im practically flirting with him.
He acts surprised but cant help grinning, this is awkward. I have rehearsed this many times but I never envisioned it in a loud noisy club so i’m thinking on my feet. Luckily he speaks first, “are you married yet?” I shake my head and roll my eyes like its not what i’ve wanted, “are you still with him?” He asked instead.  Yes, I say loud. He looks winded. What did he expect, that we could just pick it up where we left off in Thailand?

To be honest that would have been exactly what I wanted, except its November, we are in Liverpool, and I was not single. I introduced him to my friend, he tries to flirt with all my friends. He doesn’t know that we, women invented the flirt with your friend tactic, and no it does not make me like you more.

We all walk upstairs, my friend is asking him for drugs, he is not high for a change.  Im trying so hard to remember what he said what I said but its frivolous, i’m just going to skip to the parts that matter, the hug, the long squeeze, it was emotional for me, I felt so overwhelmed, I couldn’t be honest with my friend, was I being honest with myself? I went outside with her to calm down and have a smoke. I blurted out something about being so happy with Martin right now and how there is no comparison between them.

I kept my eye on him all night, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  Inching my way slowly over, I couldn’t leave it like that, I don’t know what I wanted to say, just wanted him to look at me. He finds me, Im high at this point and let him touch me, and my body is aching for him again, I hate this feeling but i’m in ecstasy nothing is worth feeling guilty about at this point. We cant talk in here, so we dont.  He is talking to this girl though, I can tell its offensive, she doesnt get him like I do, im so jealous watching him make a fool of himself.  I turn to the man next to me and we start to dance, he sees me and then disappears ripping my heart out and leaving it beating in the hands of this stranger.

I spend the next two days re reading old messages and trying to telepathically reach him. Its winter again, writing this hasn’t helped.