Trigger warning: Screwing, plugging holes, filling cracks, vicious wolverines and spiders
I’m told, by the internet of things, that to engage readers I should start the blog with an eye catching picture of the finished product, in this case it would be a flawless image of my concrete floor. As that doesn’t exist, I thought id just floor my readers with a bit of leg instead. With Hestia, the Greek Goddess of all the good stuff, in concrete, for literary credibility.
Maxine spent weeks trying to figure out the most cost effective and simplest way to heat the downstairs, see her other post Warming to the idea, in order to progress her house renovations. In order to move out of her kitchen and into her bedroom she needed at minimum some heating and some flooring down there. She always liked the idea of a concrete finished floor so her plan was to pour over 10mm of Self Levelling Compound (SLC) on top of electric underfloor heating mats (UFH) and leave it at that. Spoiler alert, 4 weeks later she’s still not finished.
However I wrote this blog over time and have since finished what she set out to do. If switching person is making you dizzy give up now.
If you are reading along we can time travel together as I go back and forth to give the Goddess of Hindsight some pro tips for the future.
The back bedroom is about 9m2 and all freshy plastered with chipboard laid onto joists. It was being used as a store room for surplus stuff, so the first job was to clear it out, but Maxine became unwell in the first week and couldn’t do anything upright for very long so she listed the excess materials from bed through FB marketplace for free, which was hasty, but it soon got the room clear.
After Macaulay caulking her way around the room in double time, she needed to prime the boards. Primer smells like glue and will give tile adhesive a better key, so don’t skip this step.
She used a primer that came with the UFH kit.
Let it dry overnight.
The subfloor (chipboard) has to be free from movement as one of the things that can go wrong with concrete floors is cracking. In addition to lots of screwing the floor needs to withstand foot traffic. Fastwarm advise to lay tile backer boards over the chipboard. A 6mm tile backer board works two fold by adding rigidity but also a little insulation to stop downward heat loss. The job so far has cost £300 for the heating mat kit and £80 for adhesive and backer boards.
Goddess Hindsight, Fastwarm will try to oversell you tile adhesive. You don’t need three bags of rapid setting, you need two bags of the regular stuff. And Hindsight love, don’t follow the instructions, add more water, it doesn’t need to be so thick, and goddess dear, measure and cut the boards before you mix. Oh and one more thing cherub, don’t use a mop bucket but a taller receptacle.
The UFH comes in a roll with a cold tail at one end (to be wired to the thermostat) Max a little bit of planning needed before you roll it out because you have to make sure you start to unroll where there is a plug. If for example you start to unroll at the bedroom door there’s no place to wire it in.
Step 6. It is time to call the spark.
Its a good job we can time travel because its another week until its wired in and can test if it works, which it did, heats up hot and fast, I see what you did there Fastwarm.
Since we are time travelling how about you stick the kettle on and I show you a little time lapsang souchong of the prep?Sip back and enjoy the tea while I fast forward through two weeks of prep.
Let’s teleport, it is the 31st October and there is necromancy in the air. The PPE is pretty scary enough but Aidan has brought the fake blood round for shits and giggles.
She never intended to open the door to trick or treaters but as the dust accumulates they have to leave the front door ajar. Before long there is a knock and 4 wet kids are standing there shouting ‘trick or treat?’ Max says trick (because she has no treats) and they just stand there bewildered by her. She’s offering up an opportunity to trick her and they just thrust empty buckets in front of her. She goes off to try and find something but all she has are out of date aubergines which judging by the little boys reaction, he didn’t care for. By the time the next lot arrive she’s got blood on her face and she’s daring them to trick her. Still no bite and the only sweet thing in the house she has is over 18’s brownie which she does not really want to share but decides rather than disappoint more kids, just cut them into very small squares, offer them up and shut the door over. Goddess hindsight, you know what I am going to say here!
Aidan has been an absolute dude and is nailing the water powder mix so Max is now the pourer, they are using the kettle as they don’t have another way to measure water and start adding a quarter of a bag at a time. These are 25kg bags of powder mixed with about 4 litres of water. Maxine is the designated pourer, bare foot because she don’t want to damage the electric wires, so she’s keeping Aidan out of the room and lifting about 30kg of weight alone each pour.
No, not her nephew, his name is Aidan.
By the 3rd bag they have found their groove and the mixes are coming quicker and smoother, which makes the job easier. As she nears the 7th bag she’s quietly confident they have nailed it, and still have two bags to spare. She managed to avoid what nobody wants, and that is to run out of powder before the end of the night.
The below video is highlighting Hindsight (setting in stone) that she can indeed measure, calculate volume, do 7 sets of 30kg deadlifts, put kids to bed early, and make an organic squash linguine in her stride. If you suffer from an inferiority complex, don’t bother watching.
Lady Hindsight there are a few more things to note before you embark on this. If at the end of the job you have say…two bags left over then you know that you haven’t laid it on thick enough. As per your calculations you will need 9 bags to cover the entire room in at least 10mm thickness. On the last pour when the spiked roller brakes, fix it, don’t just give up because you are going to leave a rather large bulge otherwise.
In fact by the next morning when things had set she could in fact see the silhouette of the wires in some parts of the room and a bout 2mm difference in height in some places.
Dam!
Yes that is exactly what you need, cut a long piece of timber to act as a barrier to stop the spread of the screed. In fact while your are there petal cut two and use the other one to help the levelling like this chap is below.
The spiked roller should be kept for the bedroom. The one Maxine used was supposed to take air bubbles out of the mixture but it was mixed so well it didn’t need it and only ended up leaving dimples in the concrete as it was getting off, I mean going off.
3 days after the first layer and quick prime later, Maxine applied a second round with the two remaining bags and managed to even out the floor out by hand with out the correct tools or experience.
An absolute accomplishment worth recognition in fact Maxine was going to have a statue made of herself, but I think it might end up looking big headed.
The end.
majorloveme 
Ooh, that white outfit at the start looks familiar.
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Some impressive dedication and craftswomanship here. Maxine could be a new Sarah Beeny.
Watching the ‘Prepin’ and priming’ video I noticed that Max became increasingly scantily clad as the clip went on. Is it mischievous to have wished that there had been one or two more snags and that the job had taken a little longer…..?
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Oi, Sharples, my towering flame-haired Amazon! Why are my comments being held for moderation? Have you finally put me on some kind of naughty list? I mean… I wouldn’t blame you if you had, but that was one of my least inappropriate postings. You’ve let me get away with far worse before.
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